Tuesday, June 14, 2011

My Scaredy Cat

This is one of my cats. Her name is Scaredy. She is the baby of my other cat, Stormy. We call her Scaredy because she is so easy to scare and its soooooo funny. She loves to just stare at me sometimes for no reason. When she stares I wonder what in the world could she be thinking. She likes to hide in the covers and jump out but then she gets scared and runs back under the covers. She has grown since last year but look how cute she was when she was little. Scaredy is bigger now and she thinks she can just do whatever she wants. I walked in the other night and found her on my desk sleeping. I log into my computer and I try to play on Face book and she decided I didn't need too. I continue to use my computer and she moves and gives me a look to say she is not pleased. She then sees that I am not going to stop typing so she moves again. My son comes in and starts laughing because of her being right in my way. He picks up the massager to massage her. She loves it. She rolls over so he can get the other side too. After he is done she just covers her face and says leave me alone. Please go away. I am hiding. Good Night Scaredy.LOL

Black Cat

Monday, June 13, 2011

Visited My Counselor

Today I got up and got ready to walk out the front door to go see my counselor. I don't understand why but I had a feeling of doom. My wonderful old friend fear Shock had come back again to bug the crap out of me. I wish I didn't feel this way when I leave my house. I feel like such a freak and a weirdo. I know that there are others out there like me, but that doesn't help me feel any less weird. How do you explain to someone that just walking out your door and talking to people scares the hell out of you? Nervous 2

I didn't tell my counselor that I was scared going there. We sat and talk about a lot of things and talking does help, but I must admit that when I talk I feel like a nut job. I sometime feel that maybe I shouldn't talk and what I have to say is unimportant so why speak. Why should someone waste their time listening to me go on about how I am to afraid to stand up and become the person I know is hiding inside of me? I didn't tell him that either.

I mainly complain of how my husband has done me so wrong over the passed years and has kept me a prisoner in my own home. I have, finally after many years, started to break free and go places and have fun. The consequences of me doing this are yelling and fighting and big sighs and cruel words. I just don't understand why it is OK for other people to go where ever they want and for me it is an everyday battle. I know that's where my fears started.

I believe that I use to be a normal person, well as normal as any person can be. I never noticed before the small things said to make me feel bad and to keep me at home. I would want to go somewhere and my husband would say small things to make me not want to go. I would hear how I was a bad mother for leaving my child and going off to have fun. I guess years ago I thought I was wrong for wanting to go to the store and shop. I look back now and see that there was nothing wrong with wanting to go shopping. He didn't want me to leave so he used what he knew would keep me at home. I had gotten to the point that if a friend asked me to run to the store , all he had to do was sigh and I would say " no, thanks for asking but I should stay here".

I love going places now and he can't use the excuse that my son needs me. Shawn is 17 now and doesn't really need me for much. My son tells me to go have fun. My husband on the other hand is still trying to keep me home, but I am sorry to say he is losing that battle. I have a church that I love to go to and I am not giving that up. I have wonderful new friends and I am not giving them up either. I want a job and to know that I can make it on my own. I didn't like the weird looks I would get when people would ask if I have seen this or that around town and I would reply "no I don't go out".

Wow! What a lot of crap I have held in for a long time. A friend once told me that men write random stuff on their blogs and women use their blogs like diary's. I have to agree with him on that one. I will say this, I like venting here better then to people in person. When I go on and on here, no one has to listen or even respond. I can say whatever I please and I don't have to see the disapproving looks or the laughs and giggles behind their eyes.

OK, now that all that is out of the way, tomorrow's post should be a happy go lucky one...lol I might even feel froggy Frog and post another one tonight. I forgot how much I loved blogging. Everyone have a good night and God bless.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Just Another Day

Today is just another day to blog about just like yesterday. I walked to the bus stop with my son so we could go to the grocery store to get food. My husband got into a wreck and the insurance company totaled out our van. We don't get the money til he signs the paper work and the title over. I don't mind taking the bus. I like it. I have never been able to go out and do things on my own before and now just riding the bus is so freeing. I meet some really nice people and I have enjoyed some of the deep conversation I have gotten into with them.

I don't know why I was ever afraid before. I kind of feel like I was a freak before, because of being afraid. I never really understood why I was afraid either. Maybe I was afraid of being hurt or being made fun of or maybe I was afraid to try something new. I know my husband had a lot to do with my fears. I was never this way before. I use to go all over town just to see what I could see. Some time way back I lost who I was. I lost me, the person who loved to talk with people and to see the sites.

Well, I guess I could say most of me is back. I took a trip last summer to South Carlina and I got to see the ocean. It was AWESOME! Now I want to go everywhere. I still feel the fear sometimes but I have taught myself to ignore it or at least act like it isn't there. My son is happy because I told him we will be going to museums this summer and other places. He wants to go to pawn shops to find video games...lol

I forgot how nice it was just to sit down and type out a blog post. Its makes me smile to think that maybe someone will read this and smile and if not then oh well. I use to have a lot of people visit my blog back when I wrote on it every week. I just need to get back to writing again. Even if it doesn't interest any one else, in the future I can always come back here and remember theses day and I know they will make me smile.

I am going to make a meatloaf for dinner tonight, one of my favorite meals. Most people say that its to hot out to cook but I do love to cook. I need to start writing out most of my recipes so i can post them here. I know a lot of people are always asking for my recipes and I love to share them. I have all the pictures put into the posts but I just haven't gotten around to writing them out. I guess you could say I get forgetful about such things.

Well i better get to that meatloaf. Enjoy your evening everyone. I will try and post again after church tomorrow night. God Bless :-)

Friday, June 10, 2011

A Very Long Year


I logged into my blog and noticed that it has been over a year since I have even attempted to write a post. I know I loved to write so I am going to try and keep posting this year, but we will see how that goes.

Wow, where to start? I am still going to the same church and I am getting ready for another wonderful vacation bible school to start at this end of this month. The one I help out with last year was great. I had such a wonderful time and I know the kids did too. I think they had the most fun pelting me with marshmallows when I showed them how to make slings. I am so glad I used marshmallows instead of stones...lol

I have had a lot of ups and downs over the past year but I think I have done well with dealing with them all. One of my very best friends just passed away this year. Stacy was only 35 and a great and wonderful person. She helped me to see the person that I was and the person I can be. For those of you who know me well you know of my many fears. For all those reading my blog for the first time I have been afraid for many years of going places and being around people. Stacy helped me to seek help and now I can go out alone and do things and not feel fear( as much).

Everyday is a new day and I feel less afraid. The past year for me has been a fight to become as normal as anyone can get. I just wanted to be able to walk out my door and go to the store with out fear. I have accomplished that over the past year. Now I feel somewhat normal because I love to go shopping now, like most women do...lol

I have been baking a lot and I plan on posting a lot more recipes so keep checking back and using the recipe button to give you a faster link to them. Well i guess this is good enough for my first post after over a year. Have a great day everyone and God Bless.