Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Composed By Sindi at 5:05 PM
Monday, June 13, 2011
Today I got up and got ready to walk out the front door to go see my counselor. I don't understand why but I had a feeling of doom. My wonderful old friend fear had come back again to bug the crap out of me. I wish I didn't feel this way when I leave my house. I feel like such a freak and a weirdo. I know that there are others out there like me, but that doesn't help me feel any less weird. How do you explain to someone that just walking out your door and talking to people scares the hell out of you?
I didn't tell my counselor that I was scared going there. We sat and talk about a lot of things and talking does help, but I must admit that when I talk I feel like a nut job. I sometime feel that maybe I shouldn't talk and what I have to say is unimportant so why speak. Why should someone waste their time listening to me go on about how I am to afraid to stand up and become the person I know is hiding inside of me? I didn't tell him that either.
I mainly complain of how my husband has done me so wrong over the passed years and has kept me a prisoner in my own home. I have, finally after many years, started to break free and go places and have fun. The consequences of me doing this are yelling and fighting and big sighs and cruel words. I just don't understand why it is OK for other people to go where ever they want and for me it is an everyday battle. I know that's where my fears started.
I believe that I use to be a normal person, well as normal as any person can be. I never noticed before the small things said to make me feel bad and to keep me at home. I would want to go somewhere and my husband would say small things to make me not want to go. I would hear how I was a bad mother for leaving my child and going off to have fun. I guess years ago I thought I was wrong for wanting to go to the store and shop. I look back now and see that there was nothing wrong with wanting to go shopping. He didn't want me to leave so he used what he knew would keep me at home. I had gotten to the point that if a friend asked me to run to the store , all he had to do was sigh and I would say " no, thanks for asking but I should stay here".
I love going places now and he can't use the excuse that my son needs me. Shawn is 17 now and doesn't really need me for much. My son tells me to go have fun. My husband on the other hand is still trying to keep me home, but I am sorry to say he is losing that battle. I have a church that I love to go to and I am not giving that up. I have wonderful new friends and I am not giving them up either. I want a job and to know that I can make it on my own. I didn't like the weird looks I would get when people would ask if I have seen this or that around town and I would reply "no I don't go out".
Wow! What a lot of crap I have held in for a long time. A friend once told me that men write random stuff on their blogs and women use their blogs like diary's. I have to agree with him on that one. I will say this, I like venting here better then to people in person. When I go on and on here, no one has to listen or even respond. I can say whatever I please and I don't have to see the disapproving looks or the laughs and giggles behind their eyes.
OK, now that all that is out of the way, tomorrow's post should be a happy go lucky one...lol I might even feel froggy and post another one tonight. I forgot how much I loved blogging. Everyone have a good night and God bless.
Composed By Sindi at 7:28 PM
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Today is just another day to blog about just like yesterday. I walked to the bus stop with my son so we could go to the grocery store to get food. My husband got into a wreck and the insurance company totaled out our van. We don't get the money til he signs the paper work and the title over. I don't mind taking the bus. I like it. I have never been able to go out and do things on my own before and now just riding the bus is so freeing. I meet some really nice people and I have enjoyed some of the deep conversation I have gotten into with them.
I don't know why I was ever afraid before. I kind of feel like I was a freak before, because of being afraid. I never really understood why I was afraid either. Maybe I was afraid of being hurt or being made fun of or maybe I was afraid to try something new. I know my husband had a lot to do with my fears. I was never this way before. I use to go all over town just to see what I could see. Some time way back I lost who I was. I lost me, the person who loved to talk with people and to see the sites.
Well, I guess I could say most of me is back. I took a trip last summer to South Carlina and I got to see the ocean. It was AWESOME! Now I want to go everywhere. I still feel the fear sometimes but I have taught myself to ignore it or at least act like it isn't there. My son is happy because I told him we will be going to museums this summer and other places. He wants to go to pawn shops to find video games...lol
I forgot how nice it was just to sit down and type out a blog post. Its makes me smile to think that maybe someone will read this and smile and if not then oh well. I use to have a lot of people visit my blog back when I wrote on it every week. I just need to get back to writing again. Even if it doesn't interest any one else, in the future I can always come back here and remember theses day and I know they will make me smile.
I am going to make a meatloaf for dinner tonight, one of my favorite meals. Most people say that its to hot out to cook but I do love to cook. I need to start writing out most of my recipes so i can post them here. I know a lot of people are always asking for my recipes and I love to share them. I have all the pictures put into the posts but I just haven't gotten around to writing them out. I guess you could say I get forgetful about such things.
Well i better get to that meatloaf. Enjoy your evening everyone. I will try and post again after church tomorrow night. God Bless :-)
Composed By Sindi at 6:56 PM
Friday, June 10, 2011
Composed By Sindi at 5:51 PM