Monday, June 13, 2011

Visited My Counselor

Today I got up and got ready to walk out the front door to go see my counselor. I don't understand why but I had a feeling of doom. My wonderful old friend fear Shock had come back again to bug the crap out of me. I wish I didn't feel this way when I leave my house. I feel like such a freak and a weirdo. I know that there are others out there like me, but that doesn't help me feel any less weird. How do you explain to someone that just walking out your door and talking to people scares the hell out of you? Nervous 2

I didn't tell my counselor that I was scared going there. We sat and talk about a lot of things and talking does help, but I must admit that when I talk I feel like a nut job. I sometime feel that maybe I shouldn't talk and what I have to say is unimportant so why speak. Why should someone waste their time listening to me go on about how I am to afraid to stand up and become the person I know is hiding inside of me? I didn't tell him that either.

I mainly complain of how my husband has done me so wrong over the passed years and has kept me a prisoner in my own home. I have, finally after many years, started to break free and go places and have fun. The consequences of me doing this are yelling and fighting and big sighs and cruel words. I just don't understand why it is OK for other people to go where ever they want and for me it is an everyday battle. I know that's where my fears started.

I believe that I use to be a normal person, well as normal as any person can be. I never noticed before the small things said to make me feel bad and to keep me at home. I would want to go somewhere and my husband would say small things to make me not want to go. I would hear how I was a bad mother for leaving my child and going off to have fun. I guess years ago I thought I was wrong for wanting to go to the store and shop. I look back now and see that there was nothing wrong with wanting to go shopping. He didn't want me to leave so he used what he knew would keep me at home. I had gotten to the point that if a friend asked me to run to the store , all he had to do was sigh and I would say " no, thanks for asking but I should stay here".

I love going places now and he can't use the excuse that my son needs me. Shawn is 17 now and doesn't really need me for much. My son tells me to go have fun. My husband on the other hand is still trying to keep me home, but I am sorry to say he is losing that battle. I have a church that I love to go to and I am not giving that up. I have wonderful new friends and I am not giving them up either. I want a job and to know that I can make it on my own. I didn't like the weird looks I would get when people would ask if I have seen this or that around town and I would reply "no I don't go out".

Wow! What a lot of crap I have held in for a long time. A friend once told me that men write random stuff on their blogs and women use their blogs like diary's. I have to agree with him on that one. I will say this, I like venting here better then to people in person. When I go on and on here, no one has to listen or even respond. I can say whatever I please and I don't have to see the disapproving looks or the laughs and giggles behind their eyes.

OK, now that all that is out of the way, tomorrow's post should be a happy go lucky I might even feel froggy Frog and post another one tonight. I forgot how much I loved blogging. Everyone have a good night and God bless.


Robin said...

ok Sindi,
Here are my have found independence. You have found out what life is about. On the other hand your husband hates his life, and the world, so he thinks you should be a part of "his reality world" and for a long time you were. I truly believe that God puts friends in our paths for a reason, season or a lifetime. Who would have thought that a quiet and meek woman would start going to a church were another woman needed friendship as much as you did? You not only are my friend for a reason, you are my friend for a day at a time is all you can take things and the old saying about what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I pray alot for you guys..especially for your husband to accept Christ and to change his ways. If he did that, I truly believe he would see what Christ can do for his life and his circumstances. You on the other hand, know about Christ and know what he can do for you. He has proven himself to you time and time again. Our friendship is just one example. I will ALWAYS be here for you whether you need a shoulder to cry on, or some advice. I Love you friend...

Michelle said...

Keep living your life. I may have moved from Terre Haute but i will always be there to listen. call me or text me, or pm me anytime. Here are a couple of quotes i recently discovered. Both are from Elenor Roosevelt. "Do one thing everyday that scares you" and No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" Your always in my prayers.